A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A "Sure" Solution
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed."
He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence.
Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Posted by Gorges Smythe
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the nearby snow, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe I know anything about penguins, did you?
CUT THE STRINGS!
The first police officer reaches under the one-ton bale of hay and attempts to lift it off of me. Of course, it doesn’t budge. He grabs his flashlight and shines it under the hay into my face. I blink. He yells over his shoulder to his partner, “He’s alive! He’s alive! Help me move the hay.”
Even working together two officers can’t move it – not a fraction of an inch. A thousand pounds each? Of course they can’t move it.
“Cut the strings,” I whisper. My voice is weak. They can’t hear me.
I am not going to last much longer. If they will just cut the strings, the bale will break apart, and they can drag me out of here.
“Lift, Joe, lift!”
“Just cut the strings,” I mumble, “Please cut the strings.”
“C’mon harder.”
“It’s too heavy! We can’t lift it. We gotta go for help! Hang on Chad, we’ll be right back!”
I am alone again in the growing darkness. Wonderful painless, peaceful, irresistible sleep beckons. I struggle to remain conscious. One. Two. Three. Four… Where are they? How long does it take for police, fire, ambulance, to arrive? Where is the Coast Guard? Where are the Marines? Where is that one old farmer with enough common sense to just cut the strings?
The desert air grows chilly as the sky darkens. I grow weaker. Dizziness overcomes me and I begin to drift off into that gray space somewhere between the living and the dead.
Help finally arrives. One of the police officers bends down so I can see his face. “Hold on! A fire engine is here. There are six men aboard.”
I do the math. Two big, strong cops and six burly firemen must move a ton of dead weight off me. That’s two hundred forty five pounds each. No way can they possibly do that – but somehow, miraculously, they do. A couple of neighbors who have arrived at the scene stand by to catch me. They lower my limp body to the ground where I lie in a broken heap.
Why didn’t they cut the strings? They could have saved a long, tortured hour.
How heavy is hay? A piece of hay is about the weight of a feather. How many pieces of hay does it take to make two thousand pounds? Lots. That package of sixteen bazillion individual pieces of hay wrapped in a gigantic bundle is a crushing weight. But separated, it would have been nothing. I feel bad saying this, because it makes me sound ungrateful – and I am very grateful to the guys who saved my life that night – but there is a point to be made here, isn’t there?
Is it too big?
Is it overwhelming?
Cut the strings – just cut the strings!
Are you buried under crushing burdens? Projects that are too huge? Schedules that are too complicated? Maybe you are trying to do too much at once – trying to do everything instead of doing something.
Cut the strings and cut yourself free. Do one thing at a time – and get it Done. Move “out of the strain of the doing into the peace of the done.”
from Facebook
TUESDAY, JULY 12, 2022
- The Washington Times - Monday, July 11, 2022-
George Washington shed his uniform as a general in the Continental Army to become president of the United States. He proved that anyone without royal bloodlines who was willing to make extraordinary personal sacrifices could be the leader of a country
Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin. He grew up a rail-splitter clearing land on the frontier. He proved that anyone — no matter how humble or hardscrabble your background — could rise to become president.
Franklin D. Roosevelt proved that physical disabilities were no obstacle. John F. Kennedy proved that his Catholic faith was no obstacle. And Barack Obama proved that race was no obstacle.
President Biden has plumbed the greatest depths to expose and remove every last barrier to the White House. He has proved that anyone can be president.
Literally, anyone. Like you can just pick up a shuffling, incoherently babbling hobo off the street and make him president. You could even wheel a cadaver out of the morgue, prop him up and pop in some googly eyes and — bam! — you have a leader of the free world.
Can’t speak? No problem. Just park him in front of a teleprompter.
End of quote. Repeat the line.
Can’t read? Here, take the keys to the White House anyway.
Can’t think? Even better! Give that man the codes to one of the largest nuclear arsenals on the planet.
Hell, you don’t even have to be able to ride a bike to be president anymore.
Hillary Rodham Clinton boasted that she put a million cracks in the glass ceiling for women — though she failed to win the presidency. Mr. Biden busted right through the glass ceiling for imbeciles.
No matter how slow, no matter how hopeless, no matter how limited you may be — this is America and you can still be president of the United States!
American voters — ever polite — feel sorry for the guy. So they just tell pollsters that maybe Mr. Biden is a smidge too old. They would rather not run through all the litany of ways Mr. Biden has personally made their lives more miserable.
And he has not even been in charge for two years yet.
What is so amazing about the Biden administration is how low the bar was set for the guy. The previous occupant of the White House left things running pretty good.
The 2020 election was the “Make it stop!” election. Many Americans who voted for Mr. Biden were just so tired of the relentless freakout by Democrats, the political media, swamp creatures and even establishment Republicans in Washington over the mere existence of former President Donald Trump.
It was like giving into the most epic temper tantrum your child ever threw. Maybe it wasn’t the best, most principled parenting move but you were exhausted and desperate for anything to shut the child up.
On the policies, voters were pretty pleased with Mr. Trump. And the economy was roaring — especially in the wake of the pandemic.
All Mr. Biden had to do was not touch anything. And act normal.
But he could do neither.
This is a man who has spent pretty much his entire adult life pretending to be a harmless old coot from Congress. Just sit back, say nice things and collect the biggest government bureaucrat paycheck of your life. And then retire the multimillionaire you made yourself off of five decades in Washington.
For some reason — a toxic mix of arrogance, stupidity and dishonesty — Mr. Biden just could not leave things alone. Or, at least, somebody in the White House could not. Because it sure doesn’t look like Mr. Biden could decorate Christmas cookies — let alone make all the devastating decisions that are being made in the White House these days.
The one thing we do know is the result.
At the border, there is an unprecedented invasion. Border Patrol agents on horseback are found to have not whipped illegal aliens storming into the country — yet are punished anyway.
The price of gasoline spiked so high that families driving home from church cheer when they see a sign for gas cheaper than $5 a gallon. Inflation is exploding.
American interests in Afghanistan and around the globe — an area of unrivaled expertise for Mr. Biden over the past 50 years — have cratered.
But we still do not know who it is that is in charge. As sure as voters are that Mr. Biden is too old to run for reelection, they are completely in the dark about who exactly is making all these insane decisions that are destroying the country.
It’s a rather alarming way to run a government — especially for a bunch of people who claim to be so concerned about insurrections.
But at least we live in a country where anybody — literally anybody — can be president.
-
Posted by Gorges Smythe
Changing Places
-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen”.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was 1pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
Come 9pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back”.
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night”.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!!
In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire.
A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor. They died.
An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor. They, too, all perished.
Six LA, Hispanic, gang bangers & ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor.They, too, died.
A white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why blacks, Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?
The Fire Chief said, "They were at work."
THE BUMMER LAMB
Every once in a while, a ewe will give birth to a lamb and reject it. There are many reasons she may do this. If the lamb is returned to the ewe, the mother may even kick the poor animal away. Once a ewe rejects one of her lambs, she will never change her mind. These little lambs will hang their heads so low that it looks like something is wrong with its neck. Their spirit is broken.
These lambs are called “bummer lambs.” Unless the shepherd intervenes, that lamb will die, rejected and alone. So, do you know what the shepherd does? He takes that rejected little one into his home, hand-feeds it and keep it warm by the fire. He will wrap it up with blankets and hold it to his chest so the bummer can hear his heartbeat.
Once the lamb is strong enough, the shepherd will place it back in the field with the rest of the flock.
But that sheep never forgets how the shepherd cared for him when his mother rejected him. When the shepherd calls for the flock, guess who runs to him first? That is right, the bummer sheep. He knows his voice intimately.
It is not that the bummer lamb is loved more, it just knows intimately the one who loves it.
It's not that it is loved more, it just believes it because it has experienced that love one on one.
So many of us are bummer lambs, rejected and broken. But He is the good Shepherd. He cares for our every need and holds us close to His heart so we can hear His heart beat. We may be broken but we are deeply loved by the Shepherd.
author unknown
The Girl At The Beach
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.
The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so.
Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave... The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'
'Batteries?' cried the wife.
'Yes!' he replied.
'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'
Got this from my friend Pres.
The clown in the White House just brokered four Middle East Peace Accords, something that 71 years of political intervention and endless war failed to produce.
The buffoon in the White House is the first president that has not engaged us in a foreign war since Eisenhower.
The clown in the White House has had the greatest impact on the economy, bringing jobs, and lowering unemployment to the Black and Latino population of ANY other president. Ever.
The buffoon in the White House has exposed the deep, widespread, and long-standing corruption in the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, and the Republican and Democratic parties.
The buffoon in the White House turned NATO around and had them start paying their dues.
The clown in the White House neutralized the North Koreans, stopped them from developing a further nuclear capability, sending missiles toward Japan, and threatening the West Coast of the US.
The clown in the White House turned our relationship with the Chinese around, brought hundreds of business back to the US, and revived the economy. Hello!!!!!!!
The clown in the White House has accomplished the appointing of three Supreme Court Justices and close to 300 Federal Judges.
This same clown in the White House lowered your taxes, increased the standard deduction on your IRS return from $12,500 for Married Filing Joint to $24,400 and caused your stock market to move to record levels over 100 times, positively impacting the retirements of tens of millions of citizens.
The clown in the White House fast-tracked the development of a COVID Vaccine – it will be available within weeks – we still don’t have a vaccine for SARS, Bird Flu, Ebola, or a host of diseases that arose during previous administrations.
The clown in the White House rebuilt our military which the Obama administration had crippled and had fired 214 key generals and admirals in his first year of office.
This clown in the White House uncovered widespread pedophilia in the government and in Hollywood, and is exposing world wide sex trafficking of minors and bringing children home to their families.
The clown in the White House works for free and has lost well over 2 billion dollars of his own money in serving – and done all of this and much more in the face of relentless undermining and opposition from people who are threatened because they know they are going to be exposed as the criminals that they are if he is re-elected.
I got it, you don’t like him. Many of you utterly hate and despise him. How special of you. He is serving you and ALL the American people. What are you doing besides calling him names and laughing about him catching the China virus ?
And please educate me again as to what Biden has accomplished for America in his 47 years in office?
I’ll take a ‘clown’ any day versus a fork tongued, smooth talking hypocritical corrupt liar. Please let it be known, I am not sure I would want to have a beer with him (if he drank, which he doesn’t) or even be his friend. I don’t care if I even like him. I want a strong leader who isn’t afraid to kick some ass when needed. I don’t need a fatherly figure – I already have one. I don’t need a liar – that’s what Hollywood and CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS and the New York Times are for.
I don’t need someone to help me, but I also don’t want an obstacle or a demented, senile washed-up Swamp Monster.
God bless Donald Trump – the most unappreciated President in history.
Copy & Pass this on.
You probably should read this!
The whole world paused this morning. Do you know why? Because an 8 year old’s tank was empty.
The boys had already started their school day at their desks and I was preparing to leave for work when I noticed my littlest standing in the bathroom wiping his face.
I paused at the door and asked if he was okay. He looked up with tears silently dripping and shook his head. When I questioned if something happened, again he shook his head.
So I sat on the side of the tub and pulled him in my lap. I told him sometimes our heart tanks feel empty and need to be refilled.
He cried into my chest and I held tight.
I asked if he could feel my love filling him up?
A nod, and tears stopped...
I waited a minute...
‘Has it reached your toes yet?’
He shook his head no...
‘Okay man. We will take as long as you need. Work doesn’t matter right now. School isn’t important either. This right here, is the most important thing today, okay? Filling you back to the top. Is that good?’
*nods*
One more minute...
‘Is your heart full of mamas love now?’
‘Yeah...’
*looks in his eyes* ‘I see it shining in there, you’re full to the top, and you’re smiling!’
You may not be 8 - you may be 28, 38, 48 or whatever- but ALL of us run on empty just like he did. His week was so busy and so full and his little soul was just dry!
We all have to pause, and take a moment to refill with the good things. Scripture, prayer, sunshine, worship, song, laughter, friends, hugs. Refill your empty, or you’ll find those emotions (tears, anger, snappy words) overflowing with no reason why.
Take a moment. Refill. It’s the most important part of your day!
Originally posted by Misty Starr Whittington Robertson.
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, “I feel I must
provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for
that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into
my coffin when I die.”
One of his sons became a doctor, another a lawyer and the other a financial planner.
Each of his sons was very successful financially. When their father’s time had come,
and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the
deceased.
Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp
$50 bills.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer’s turn. He reached into his pocket, took out
his chequebook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father’s coffin, and took
the $2,000 cash.
The Porsche
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, "I thought my husband was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. This morning I got a phone call from my husband he claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”..................
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from the South commented, “Well, bless your heart.”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.”
Again, the lady from the South commented,
“Well, bless your heart.”
The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, “Well, bless your heart.”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Southern lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh, my God! What on earth for?”
The Southern lady responded, “Well, for example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a shit? ’ I learned to say, ‘Well, bless your heart’…
Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
An observation from a Swedish engineer:
“The notion that a nation can run on sunshine and breezes is worse than delusional.
People might fall for the idea that we can merrily run on sunshine and breezes, alone, but with a few trillion dollars worth of mythical mega-batteries providing backup for a few minutes, when the sun sets and the wind stops blowing.
A two-megawatt windmill is made up of 260 tons of steel that required 300 tons or iron ore and 170 tons of coking coal, all mined, transported and produced by hydrocarbons.
A windmill could spin until it falls apart and never generate as much energy as was invested in building it.”
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